8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go

This rule underscores how people in relationships can learn from each other. The chapter begins with a Zen story that illustrates how this can occur even with people with little wisdom. The chapter discusses the concept of a “guru” and refers to how Shetty chose his guru when he was a monk. It demonstrates how a guru-student relationship parallels a romantic relationship because of the reverence involved while differing because both people play both roles in a relationship.

The chapter references research by psychologist Jeremy Dean on how people have a biased view of themselves and how they can better understand themselves through their partner’s perspective. Partners can learn from each other and teach each other lessons, part of the Grhastha ashram. Gurus serve a role that provides special skills: “guidance without judgment, wisdom without ego, love without expectation” (102). Shetty argues that friends, family, and others can’t provide these skills because of their partial perspective: “[T]hey can’t see us as completely as the people we love romantically” (102). Shetty uses an example of how his wife played this important role, teaching him to devalue material gains and appreciate his values instead. He also details Arthur and Elaine Aron’s “self-expansion theory,” which proposes that relationships enhance identity and that people look for partners who offer skills, personality traits, and perspectives they lack (104). He then offers an exercise to evaluate whether one’s partner can serve as a guru.

The majority of the chapter addresses ways to be a more effective teacher or student, based on guru and disciple qualities from Kripamoya Das’s The Guru and Disciple Book. These ways are serving instead of leading, setting a good example, supporting a partner’s goals without telling them what to do, leading them to resources, and being aware of the language used when talking to a partner. It includes exercises on assisting a partner in finding their goals and figuring out their learning style, as well as example language for discussing specific issues and cultivating a growth mindset, rather than judging each other when teaching and learning from each other. This relates to psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on the fixed versus growth mindsets, which Shetty details. An anecdote about a client dealing with harsh judgment from his boss illustrates Dweck’s research, and another shows how setting a good example relates to financial issues. The chapter includes stories about Japanese monks and from Bhakti scripture to demonstrate the need to support a partner in their learning.

The chapter also details qualities to be a more effective student, including being open-minded, practicing humility, communicating, appreciating one’s partner, and preserving one’s identity. Exercises relate to showing gratitude for a partner’s knowledge and recognizing their skills. The chapter ends with a warning about the importance of recognizing abuse and ending an abusive relationship.

The fifth rule explores purpose and how each person in a couple should have one, as well as the support of the other person, because purpose supports healthy relationships: “For any of us to bring the best version of ourselves to our relationships, we have to pursue our own purpose or spiritual calling” (125). The chapter begins with an anecdote about a couple who had different priorities, causing a problem between them. It then follows a process for addressing these problems and finding one’s purpose.

In Hinduism, purpose is dharma, or a blend of “passion, expertise, and service” (124). Shetty argues that a purpose could be a job, hobby, parenthood, volunteering, or anything that links a person’s skills and areas of enthusiasm with a need in the world. Dharma isn’t a specific activity but a reason people do this activity, “to create something, to connect people, to share what you’ve learned, to serve others or the world” (126). The Vedas enumerate four “fundamental pursuits” that consist of a cycle that begins with purpose, or dharma, then artha (money and finance), kama (pleasure, connection, and relationships), and moksha (freedom from material things and a relationship with the spirit).

To emphasize the importance of purpose, Shetty details research by human development professor Anthony Burrow on how people with less of a purpose felt worse when they didn’t get “likes” on social media. He also describes research on hedonia (happiness from pleasure) versus eudaimonia (happiness from personal fulfillment) that showed how those who sought pleasure over fulfillment had worse health. He tells a Buddhist story that illustrates how people need to put themselves first rather than prioritizing the needs of others over their own. He argues that identifying one’s purpose impacts self-knowledge, which impacts one’s relationship. He provides anecdotes about clients finding their purpose and a quote by therapist Kathleen Dahlen deVos on maintaining identity during a relationship. He also describes Sal Khan’s (the founder of Khan Academy) path toward finding his purpose.

After describing these examples and research, Shetty outlines a “pyramid of purpose” to help individuals find and pursue it. The pyramid moves through the levels of learn, experiment, thrive, struggle, and win. Individuals begin by learning about a topic of interest, experiment with this knowledge, and then try it out by starting a job, business, or some other pursuit. They then overcome obstacles and recognize successes. Shetty includes exercises for finding a mentor and asserts that the success stage only occurs after going through the other levels. He also includes an exercise for couples to create goals together and ways to support a partner in their purpose, with a story about journalist Brigid Schulte and her struggle balancing work and parenting with her purpose. Additional anecdotes include a story about race car driver Lewis Hamilton and the work he invests in winning and a story about Shetty’s wife’s purpose.

Shetty also cautions people to avoid feeling like they are the first priority over a partner’s purpose and details stories about couples finding room for both purposes in the relationship. He also provides research on dual-income couples and gender differences in salaries after having a child. This illustrates the need for balance and equality in a relationship. Finally, Shetty provides ideas for positive responses to a partner’s purpose journey and ways to manage both purposes at the same time. These are pursuing a purpose during one’s off time, prioritizing one partner’s purpose for a period of time, taking turns, or doing both at the same time. He includes related exercises.