8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go

The final part of the book consists of just one rule, “Love Again and Again.” Here, Shetty goes beyond the scope of traditional self-help books in the love and romance subgenre to acknowledge that love does not stop with one’s intimate partner. This chapter particularly addresses the theme of Love as a Practice, as it emphasizes that love is more than an emotion; it is a process that must be practiced, and loving through practice builds compassion and empathy that can be given to the entire world.

In this text, love builds out from one’s romantic partner to encompass all relationships and all people. If people have learned to love in a romantic relationship successfully, they can better share that love with others. The value of this type of love connects with the previous chapters’ emphasis on eudaimonia (pleasure from fulfillment) and having a purpose. Acts of service are personally fulfilling and are scientifically shown to increase pleasure, producing what is known as a “helper’s high” (249). This feeling lasts weeks after the experience and helps people bond with the communities they serve. Shetty emphasizes that acts of service are prosocial: “We are connected, and when we serve others, we are serving ourselves” (248). This means that the helper benefits as much as those being helped. Shetty cautions that serving out of a desire to be recognized, to gain accolades, or for any other ego-driven purpose does not have the same effect; one must serve selflessly from a place of love without expecting anything in return to fully receive the benefits of service.

This also relates to the theme of Autonomy, Equality, and Partnership. When a person has a strong sense of self and a strong relationship, they can spread their love outside the relationship, to others in the world. He begins the chapter by turning the tables on the reader’s expectations: “You probably came to this book wanting to find and keep love with a partner. […] It’s a misconception that life is meant to be a love story between you and one other person” (247-48). For the first time, Shetty acknowledges that having a monogamous partnership is not the goal in life. While this would seem to contradict the lessons of the previous chapters, Shetty stresses that one does not have to be in a relationship to express this kind of love; purpose, fulfillment, and service are available to anyone who has accomplished the first stage of embracing solitude and increasing their self-knowledge.

For this reason, Part 4 does not spend time on describing how to love one’s partner. As this is the stage of renunciation in the Vedic tradition, the assumption is that building a relationship with a life partner is no longer someone’s goal: “This may be because we find ourselves without a partner. Or we may be happy with our partner and feeling like we now have enough love to expand it” (251). In both cases, in Sannyasa, a person moves from being a student of love to a “steward” or giver of love.

Because this is the only part of the book not focused on how to love one person, the sections are short and provide mostly general advice. The goal here is not depth but breadth: how to give people as many tools as possible for loving the people in their lives, communities, and strangers. Because of this, the section glosses over some potentially fraught issues. For instance, when discussing how to love difficult people in one’s life, he advocates for not cutting people off: “Meet people with love even when they don’t meet you with love. […] Don’t compromise your values, and don’t accept abuse, but stretch your capacity to give love” (251). He does advocate for limiting time with toxic people and setting boundaries, such as only seeing them on holidays or confining communication to phone calls. However, he does not address the potentially harmful effects of lovingly reaching out to someone who is intentionally or unintentionally hurtful. Rather, he invites readers to explore the reasons a person’s rejection upsets them, citing insecurity, fear, ego, and unrealistic expectations for validation. While this is a valuable opportunity for Learning and Emotional Growth, it can be dangerous to maintain contact with people who exhibit toxic behavior, especially if they are a close family member or friend. Shetty never clarifies the line between someone being difficult and abusive, though he stresses not to accept abuse several times. For someone intent on cultivating love, however, the difference may be difficult to discern.

A similar generalization occurs when Shetty discusses the benefits of smiling at strangers as the “easiest (and safest) way for us to give love to the people who cross our path” (262). He does not comment on the complex gendered dynamics and implications of smiling at strangers. Calling it the “safest” way to interact compassionately with strangers shows that he acknowledges that one could compromise one’s safety by being too open with strangers. However, he focuses on scientific evidence of smiling’s ability to produce feel-good hormones rather than what it might mean for a woman to smile at a man on the street and vice versa. He also does not account for how women have been historically told to smile as a way to project likeability. While these considerations might be beyond the scope of Shetty’s project, which is to teach and inspire, readers must exercise caution in how they follow Shetty’s advice.