8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go

The main goal of the book—and Shetty’s motivation for writing it—is learning about love from spiritual principles to aid in the process of emotional growth. Each rule addresses learning in some sense, and the book’s goal as a self-help guide orients the rules toward applicability rather than dogma. To that end, it provides concrete ideas and steps for learning about oneself and one’s partner to not only cultivate a relationship but also transform one’s overall mindset and understanding of the self as it relates to love.

Learning means being willing to change to better oneself and one’s relationship. Shetty notes that many people assume they don’t need to explore themselves or better their relationship, which results in less satisfying relationships and lives. This is where karma comes in as the consequences that result from repeated actions. Without learning and emotional growth, someone seeking a relationship will repeat the same mistakes while not understanding why. Shetty also argues that people focus on finding the “perfect person” and neglect to see the learning needed to have healthy and fulfilling relationships. He rejects the idea of finding “Mr. or Mrs. Right” in favor of learning to actively shape a relationship toward the qualities that reflect both partners’ ideas of love (5).

Learning progresses from becoming comfortable with solitude to discovering how to love everyone. In between, the rules address understanding how past events and ideas influence present choices, recognizing elements of partner compatibility, learning from and teaching each other, learning together through new experiences and being present, learning how to address and grow from conflict and struggles in healthy ways, and learning how to handle problems or break up.

Shetty considers the four stages of Vedic life “classrooms.” By taking the classroom as his starting point, he plants the seed of active learning. He sets up the idea with Brahmacharya ashram, the stage of student life in the Ashram system during the Vedic period when students live with gurus while learning. This stage correlates with the first section on preparing for love, when students of the book’s rules learn how to be alone and learn from past mistakes and experiences to enter their relationships with a better self-understanding. In the second section, individuals see their partner as a “guru” and play the role of guru to their partner. They learn about their own and their partner’s purpose and how to support each other in these endeavors.

This discovery process creates emotional growth in people and their relationships, thus improving both their personal lives and lives with their partner. Shetty notes that “if we choose a partner we can grow with, then they are always teaching us” (104). Grhastha ashram, the stage of household or married life that correlates with the section on practicing love, includes growing from relationship struggles and learning from each other. Learning to handle conflict and major relationship problems relates to the Vanaprastha ashram, or retired life, and Part 4’s focus on protecting the love between partners. Partners also learn how to break up, if necessary.

The final classroom and part, Sannyasa ashram, teaches people in relationships to expand their love to others, such as family, friends, colleagues, strangers, the community, and finally to the Earth. The book’s learning process culminates in this stage, as people carry the lessons from previous sections to wider circles of love.