Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience

In this section, Brown continues to examine emotional granularity and the nuance of our experiences. Brown describes how boredom can feel very different if we are able to do something if we were to try or if the limiting situation is coming from the outside. For example, if you have a job that isn’t challenging and you can’t try new things, you’ll feel frustrated in your boredom. Brown also emphasizes that not all uncomfortable emotions are a bad thing. Just as she describes the importance of vulnerability, an uncomfortable experience, Brown believes boredom and cognitive dissonance can lead to creativity and new discoveries. 

Secondly, Brown reiterates the importance of examining and expressing our experience. In Chapter 3, she focuses on how this applies to our expectations. When we are unrealistic about our expectations, we set ourselves up for disappointment or conflict. “It’s going to be a great holiday! I’ve got everything planned to the minute!” (46). Brown points out that there’s a lot we can’t plan for or control: “Have you shared your plans and talked about why they’re important to you? Have you asked the other people what they want and need?” (46). In a lighthearted example, Brown shares about packing three different books for a trip to Disney World. Her husband asked, “Babe, should we reality-check expectations for the week?” (47). Just as he expected, there was no down time to read–they were exhausted even though the trip was fun. However, if her husband had not challenged her to examine her expectations, Brown might have been angry about not having alone time, etc. This small example shows how good times, like family vacations, can so quickly lead to frustration and hurt when we don’t check-in with ourselves and communicate with others. 

Brown also shows how honest communication ties to her theme of vulnerability and courage. When we are honest about what we need or expect, we open ourselves up. She uses the example of Elizabeth feeling “ashamed” after telling everyone she thought she would get a promotion: “It’s not that I told everyone I was going to get it; I was so honest about how much I wanted it. Instead of just feeling sad and disappointed, I felt sad, disappointed, and ashamed” (48). This is why we might pretend something wasn’t a big deal to us or not tell others we were hoping for something. We are trying to shield ourselves from the disappointment if it doesn’t pan out, which Brown calls “foreboding joy.” Ultimately, it takes more courage to be honest about what we hope for. Brown says, “When someone shares their hopes and dreams with us, we are witnessing deep courage and vulnerability” (49). 

In this section, Brown also shows the importance of recognizing our limits and things that are beyond us. In Chapter 3, Brown shares how moments where we feel it is beyond us can fill us with awe and wonder: “It almost feels like what we’re witnessing can’t be true–like we’re seeing something that doesn’t fit with how we move through and understand our daily lives” (58). Brown believes these experiences are often spiritual, and we feel a deep connectedness with the world outside ourselves. While being honest about our limitations might make us uncomfortable, it also opens us up to these deeply meaningful experiences. 

In her discussion of curiosity, Brown also shows how being open to the world beyond is what allows us to learn and grow: “Comfortable learning environments rarely lead to deep learning” (62). When we act like we have it all together or that we understand everything, not only are we closing ourselves off from connection with others, but we are also closing ourselves off from experiencing the world. “In these challenging moments of dissonance, we need to stay curious and resist choosing comfort over courage. It’s brave to invite new information to the table, to sit with it and hear it out” (82).

Brown believes this intellectual humility is lacking in our society, and people are so convinced by their having it together that they attack one another over disagreement. When we open ourselves up to complexity, we are able to avoid “doubling down.” Drawing from a psychological study, Brown re-tells the story of an experiment on a doomsday cult. When their prophecies didn’t come true, many members doubled down and went to even greater lengths to commit to the cause. Brown uses this as an example of what happens when we are too self-assured and lack intellectual honesty. 

By being honest about complexity and our limitations, we acknowledge our humanity. Brown believes that leaning into dissonance is part of being human:

When someone tells me, ‘I’m not sure how I feel. I’m sad, but weirdly I’m also relieved’—my first thought isn’t Yikes. They have no idea how they feel! Or Hmmm, they don’t have a lot of self-awareness. My first thought is normally Oh man. I get that (72).

Brown also shows how paradoxes, such as creativity and discipline, can help us grow more than believing these concepts can’t coexist: “Engaging with a paradox and accepting the competing elements as both valid can foster creativity, innovation, and productivity” (85).