Beautiful Disaster

“[Eastern] was a fresh start for me; I could finally walk somewhere without the whispers of those who knew—or thought they knew—anything about my past. I was as indistinguishable as any other wide-eyed, overachieving freshman on her way to class; no staring, no rumors, no pity or judgment. Only the illusion of what I wanted them to see: cashmered, no-nonsense Abby Abernathy.”

This passage hints at conflict in Abby’s past and her goal to start fresh at a place where she can shape her own image and reputation. Abby’s expressed dislike of being judged, noticed, or remarked on will prove at odds with her sense of pride when she is known as Travis Maddox’s preferred partner. She frequently takes note when people watch the two of them together—a tension that continues throughout the novel as Abby continues to build and refine her own thoughts and feelings on who she wants to be.

“He had never been known to stay with one girl longer than a night, so the more times we were seen together, the more people understood our platonic relationship for what it was. Even with the constant questions about our involvement, the stream of attention Travis received from his coeds didn’t recede.”

Abby’s friendship with Travis Maddox is part of the image she works to maintain early in the book, which conflicts with The Power of Physical Attraction between them. Abby’s belief in the great interest that her sexual relationship provokes shows her concern with image and public perception, while the attention Travis receives from women provokes her jealousy and her eventual pride in being the object of his affection.

“Travis had been around me in one way or another every night for weeks. I had been so occupied with making sure everyone knew we were just friends, it hadn’t occurred to me that he really was interested only in friendship. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt insulted.”

Abby’s reflection reveals that, while she is busy setting the platonic terms of their relationship and communicating them to onlookers, she has been presuming Travis’s sexual interest in her. The suggestion that he might not be interested in her that way creates tension and causes Abby to find new ways to secure his attention—like moving into his apartment and sleeping in his bed.

“He doesn’t get close with anyone very often, and for whatever reason he’s let you in. But you have to overlook his demons. It’s the only way he’ll know […] if you’ll climb over the wall.”

One of the romance tropes explored in the novel is the idea of a loving woman who saves or fixes a “troubled” man. Shepley Maddox’s words confirm that Travis’s emotionally troubled state makes him interesting, even attractive. Abby must prove her worth as his partner by working her way past his defenses. Notably, Travis’s unruly emotions are his “demons,” which suggests he cannot be held responsible for his behavior. In keeping with the “bad boy” archetype, Travis’s internal conflicts—which include insecurity, aggression, obsession, jealousy, drunkenness, and sexual promiscuity—give him “depth” and enhance his attractiveness, while his guardedness makes him a prize.

“I hadn’t stopped to think how it would make him feel to hear me talk about how wrong for me he was, and now the situation was too messed up to salvage.”

This passage reflects Abby’s chief character flaw, her self-centeredness, which provides several instances of conflict in the novel. In fact, the “situation” with Travis could be easily resolved if Abby were to clearly communicate her feelings. Her inability to do so, sometimes even to herself, makes her both an unreliable narrator and provides dramatic tension. Abby can’t clearly communicate what she herself doesn’t yet know.

“Travis was trying so hard, and I was being a stubborn brat.”

As she looks in the mirror while getting ready for her date with Parker, Abby recognizes that she is using Parker Hayes to try to get a reaction from Travis, even though she keeps insisting to other people that she’s not sexually interested in Travis. It’s a moment where Abby moves toward greater self-awareness, understanding that she is trying to make Travis “prove” himself worthy of her affection by putting him in competition with Parker.

“I had seen him peruse women before, but this was different. He didn’t want to conquer me; he wanted me to say yes.”

When Travis makes sexual advances to Abby, she perceives that she will not be one more conquest, which is what she feared. Her wish to be different and matter more to him will cause tension later when Travis’s possessiveness and obsession with her prove alarming.

“The logical part of my brain insisted that Parker was my type: attractive, smart, and interested in me. Why I bothered with Travis was something I would never understand.”

This passage illustrates the novel’s themes about the power of sexual attraction and the lack of purchase that logic or reason has within attraction. Parker represents the image Abby has been trying to cultivate and to which she occasionally returns when she fears associating with Travis will bring her harm. But her attraction to Travis is too powerful to explain or deny.

“I shook my head and hugged him, laying my head on his shoulder. He tightened his grip, and buried his face in my neck, making me forget about decisions or bracelets or my separate personalities; I was exactly where I wanted to be.”

At her birthday party when she turns 19, perhaps as a small step toward emotional maturity, Abby finally admits to her own desires. This passage hints at the separate and privileged world that their relationship creates for the lovers and foreshadows the sense of belonging that Abby later feels in Travis’s arms.

“He was out of control, and his reputation left everyone too afraid to get in his way. The football players ducked and winced as they watched their teammate being assaulted without mercy on the tile floor.”

This passage refers to how Travis’s volatility is accepted by those around him as sign of a passionate nature. Abby’s comment that he acts “without mercy” demonstrates that she feels little fear or concern for the people Travis hits. Part of Travis’s “bad boy” appeal is that his reputation—his volatility—sets him above and apart from normal standards of conduct. Abby will demonstrate the ability to “tame” him, giving her special value as the person responsible for Travis’s peace of mind—part of the “beautiful disaster” the novel celebrates.

“I shut my eyes tight, trying to savor the moment. I knew I would wish for that moment back every day of my life, so I lived it with everything I had.”

Abby gives in to her sexual attraction to Travis and initiates sex on the last night of their bet. This proves a turning point in their relationship. Her savoring the moment speaks to the intensity of physical attraction and its ability to heighten the senses.

“I know we’re fucked up, all right? I’m impulsive and hot-tempered, and you get under my skin like no one else. You act like you hate me one minute, and then you need me the next. I never get anything right, and I don’t deserve you … but I fucking love you, Abby. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything, ever. When you’re around, I don’t need booze or money or the fighting or the one-night stands…all I need is you. You’re all I think about. You’re all I dream about. You’re all I want.”

Travis’s speech to Abby, after they have sex, romanticizes his feeling of dependency on her and his obsessive focus. That she makes him “crazy” is a sign of his passionate attachment. This declaration of love seems to hint that his craving for Abby has simply replaced Travis’s other addictive behaviors, but not altered his addictive tendencies. The passage also signals how Travis proceeds through the milestones of a romantic relationship without undergoing any perceptive character development or growth.

“It’s dangerous to need someone that much. You’re trying to save him, and he’s hoping you can. You two are a disaster.”

Abby’s roommate provides a reflection on the dynamics of their relationship. Kara uses the word “co-dependency,” which is far less romantic than how Abby and Travis see themselves. Abby instead feels that Travis’s need for her is “soulful” and she replies that their disaster status is beautiful, echoing the title and prevalent theme of the book.

“You were taught by Mick Abernathy. […] You were playing pros, and winning, at thirteen years old […] Don’t bet against her, son. She doesn’t lose.”

When Abby’s past is revealed, her special status is boosted by her father’s reputation and her unusual skill at poker. Jim Maddox hints that—in opposition to the image Abby was trying to cultivate—she is instead continuing to gamble, this time that she can win and keep the legendary and desirable Travis Maddox.

“I didn’t know I was lost until you found me. I didn’t know what alone was until the first night I spent without you in my bed. You’re the one thing I’ve got right. You’re what I’ve been waiting for, Pigeon.”

Travis’s declaration romanticizes the singularity and special power of the beloved, especially within the romance genre, to resolve all other challenges in the lover’s life. He speaks to the book’s prevailing contrast between “good” and “bad,” suggesting that Abby’s goodness is the antidote to his presumed “badness.”

“It was in that moment that I realized why he’d gotten the tattoo, why he had chosen me, and why I was different. It wasn’t just me, and it wasn’t just him, it was what we were together that was the exception.”

Echoing Travis’s sentiment that their relationship pits the two of them against the world, Abby participates in Travis’s perception that their identity as a couple is powerful, singular, and special. This notion of specialness, and of participating in a shared and unique identity, is a beloved and long-established staple of romantic love throughout Western history.

“He had proven to me what I had been afraid of all along. As much as he loved me, when money was involved, I would be second. Just as I was with Mick.”

This passage reaffirms Abby’s internal fears about being involved with Travis, namely that, after accepting the offer to fight for the mobster Benny, Travis will lure her back to the lifestyle she is attempting to leave behind. Where she expressed reservations about being held accountable for her father’s luck, however, Abby accepts her status as Travis’s good luck charm for his fights, signaling her sense of responsibility for his contentment, an ongoing motif of the novel. However, with Travis, unlike with Mick, she makes the choice herself.

“You can still come with us. You’re not with him anymore. You don’t have to keep saving him.”

While Abby and Travis are broken up, Abby’s best friend America Mason detects that Abby liked being Travis’s savior, the only one who could calm and soothe him, rescue him from his demons. She offers Abby the opportunity to develop her own interests and autonomy, though Abby will choose romantic love and commitment to Travis as the fullest expression of her identity.

“I loved him, and no matter what my reasons were to live without him, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. Even if I hadn’t changed my mind, it was impossible for us to stay away from each other.”

Abby recognizes the power of physical attraction and romantic love, and once again understands that her preconceptions of who she should be hold less appeal than the beautiful disaster of her passion with Travis. She will continue to rely on physical attraction as an indicator that she belongs with Travis—another powerful and appealing trope of Western romantic love.

“I wish you and Travis would just get your shit together! You’re a goddamn tornado! When you’re happy, it’s love and peace and butterflies. When you’re pissed, you take the whole fucking world down with you!”

Shepley’s explosion at Abby during her breakup with Travis reflects the self-absorption of romantic love and continues the theme that their relationship is a beautiful disaster, but it also hints at Abby’s chief character flaw, in that she has little concern for anyone’s feelings but her own. The butterflies echo the image on the cover of the book.

“All along I believed that I was important to Travis, that he needed me. But in that moment, I felt like the shiny new toy Parker said I was. He wanted to prove to Parker that I was still his.”

Though Abby herself constructed the competition between Travis and Parker, she is furious when the men take it seriously, and Travis demonstrates to Parker that Abby still prefers him. Though she objects here to being identified as the possession of a man, Abby will emblazon herself with the title “Mrs. Maddox” at the end, advertising that she “belongs” to Travis as an expression of her love and commitment.

“The way we couldn’t seem to stay away from each other was unexplainable, but I didn’t need an explanation anymore. I didn’t even need an excuse. In that moment, I only needed him.”

Continuing the theme that passionate love stands apart from reason or previously held ideas about self, the strength of Abby’s physical attraction to Travis overcomes all her other protests and reinforces the concept of romantic love conquering all, as enshrined in Western literature.

“Feeling so at home in his arms had once terrified me, but in that moment, I was grateful that I could feel so safe after experiencing something so horrific. There was only one reason I could ever feel that way with anyone. I belonged to him.”

Fulfilling the earlier foreshadowing that being in Travis’s arms is a special and privileged place for her, Abby decides to secure this position by suggesting a legal commitment to secure their mutual belonging. This point is the climax of the novel, the point where all external obstacles to the characters’ being together are resolved.