31 pages • 1 hour read
If I Was Your Girl
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Identity and the Search for Belonging
As the novel opens, Amanda is searching for a way to reconcile her identity with a sense of belonging. She was born a boy, but ever since she was little, she has identified as a girl. This feeling of disconnect between her physical body and her inner self made her feel like she doesn’t belong anywhere. At school, she was violently bullied by her peers, and at home, her dad pushed her to play baseball and be more masculine. The only time she found refuge and a sense of belonging was while reading or playing video games because she could pretend that she existed openly as a girl in these fictional worlds.
Amanda’s unfulfilled search for belonging causes her to attempt suicide because she feels like she’ll never be able to connect with the people around her, and she fears growing into a man. This unsuccessful attempt becomes the catalyst that allows Amanda to be honest about her identity with her mother. Her mother’s acceptance of her identity enables her to feel a sense of belonging for the first time. This initial acceptance gives Amanda the courage to start hormone therapy and undergo transition surgery.
After Amanda’s surgery and hormone therapy, she finally feels like her outward body matches who she identifies with on the inside, giving her the confidence to fully be herself when she attends the new high school. Although she’s quickly accepted by her peers because of her beautiful appearance and down-to-earth personality, she’s always afraid of being rejected if the truth about her past comes out. This disparity makes her feel like she is living a double life; she feels outwardly accepted for the first time in her life, but she also feels like she’s living a lie because no one around her can accept her truth.
Amanda discovers her truest sense of belonging after Bee reveals Amanda’s past. The initial shock of this truth causes her to run away and Grant to feel confused, but by the end of the novel, her friends welcome her back and accept everything about her, and Grant wants to know everything he can about her life. This is the first time that Amanda feels like she really belongs because her friends know everything about her identity and yet they still accept her.
Friendship as a Catalyst for Change
Friendship is a catalytic theme throughout the novel. In the beginning, Amanda’s search for friendship leads to destructive outcomes. One of her first best friends reads her diary and realizes that she has a crush on him. Since she’s still in a boy’s body, her friend calls her derogatory names and doesn’t want to be her friend anymore. This rejection by a supposed best friend causes her to feel alone and isolated. This feeling is only perpetuated by her unrequited friendships, and it leads her to close herself off from the world.
In the latter half of the novel, friendship is a positive force of change for Amanda. When the group of girls at her new high school easily welcome her into their circle, she feels free to finally enjoy being a teenager. She comes out of her shell and embraces activities she never would have done on her own, like shopping for dresses, smoking pot, and dancing at parties. Having genuine friendships allows her to access parts of herself that would otherwise be hidden in solitude.
By the end of the novel, Amanda’s genuine friendships show her that true acceptance is possible. After her friends find out the truth about her, Amanda runs away because she doesn’t think they would want to be her friend anymore, and she’s terrified of the violence and rejection that could ensue; when she comes back, she’s surprised to see that her friends stand by her side. Instead of being angry or rejecting her, they embrace her and offer the space for Amanda to share her story with them. These friendships lead to Amanda’s greatest discovery: She can be fully herself on the outside and inside and find acceptance without the fear of rejection.
The Power of Family
Amanda’s home life is complicated for much of the novel, but this complication reveals the power of family. When Amanda is young, her dad tries to continually push her away from what he considers to be feminine pursuits. He doesn’t like when she cooks or gardens, and he instead tries to get her to pursue what he believes are masculine activities, like hunting or baseball. She wants to make her dad proud, so she tries to push down her identity and embrace his hobbies. This attempt ultimately doesn’t work, and Amanda and her dad grow apart as a result.
While Amanda’s dad’s unacceptance makes her feel ashamed and disconnected from herself, her mother’s acceptance makes her feel empowered enough to take action. She starts hormone therapy and receives the transition surgery because of her mother’s emotional and financial support, and she even moves to her dad’s house in the South to start a new life because of her mother’s encouragement. The different affect that Amanda’s mother and dad have on her demonstrates the power of family to work as a force of growth or destruction.
By the end of the novel, Amanda’s dad finally accepts her identity without judgment. This acceptance empowers her to move back with him in the South and face whatever outcome will result with Grant and her friends. While she felt strong with her mother’s support, the added encouragement from her dad makes her feel fully emboldened to take action in her life. She no longer wants to hide away from herself but instead she welcomes the opportunity to publicly embrace who she is.
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