The Swifts: A Dictionary of Scoundrels

The next morning, Shenanigan and many other Swifts gather to watch Pamplemousse’s duel at the family Scrabble court, which is “the size of a tennis court, with squares beautifully picked out in stone and colored glass” (179). Aunt Inheritance refuses to attend and also forbids Erf from watching. The murderer uses a series of arrows to communicate their chosen words, and Flora bravely volunteers to place their tiles. Shenanigan catches a glimpse of the archer on the roof, but Fauna stops her from pursuing the figure after they fire an arrow that grazes the child’s leg. The archer claims victory with the word “absquatulate” and then kills Pamplemousse.

The killer reached the roof by climbing out Shenanigan’s bedroom window, and the girl’s pet is missing. Erf searches for John the cat while Shenanigan distracts Candour so that Phenomena can examine Pamplemousse’s body, which is stored in the walk-in freezer along with Gumshoe’s remains. As he tends to the girl’s leg, the weary doctor laments how the Swifts have gone from changing the world through their work as “inventors, poets, soldiers, translators” to murderously squabbling among themselves (191). Shenanigan suggests that he would make a good patriarch. She’s astonished to learn that he’s only known Daisy for three months. Candour laughs when she suggests that Daisy has a motive for attacking Aunt Schadenfreude and says that he would marry her even if that meant being kicked out of the family. Shenanigan helps Candour prepare breakfast for Daisy and learns that the woman drinks civet coffee. After the doctor exits the kitchen, Phenomena shows her sister the arrow that killed Pamplemousse. The attached note reads, “Au revoir” (195), and the arrow is an antique crossbow bolt.

Erf finds John the cat, who is defensive and limping after his encounter with the killer, who must have kicked the cat in order to climb out of Shenanigan’s window. Following a hunch from Shenanigan, the three young investigators return to the library, determine that the hole in the wall was made by a crossbow bolt, and find a hidden compartment where the crossbow was stored before the murderer took it. Phenomena, Shenanigan, and Erf deduce that Gumshoe took Aunt Schadenfreude’s keys, unlocked the library, and was killed by a booby trap when he removed a legal book from a shelf. Whoever attacked the matriarch took the book and the crossbow and then crushed Gumshoe’s head with the statue so that no one would notice the two missing items.

Felicity urges her sisters to call the police, but Phenomena insists that she’s the only one who can solve the case. The young scientist hurts Shenanigan’s feelings by telling her, “[Y]ou’re a valuable Watson, but you just don’t have a head for investigation. You haven’t even been giving this case your full attention” (205). Shenanigan retorts that she has been focused on the case and accidentally reveals the existence of the secret room that Aunt Inheritance entered. Felicity and Phenomena are furious that their little sister withheld information about a suspect. Flora interrupts the siblings’ argument by informing them that Fauna wants to see them “in the name of Family unity” (205).

Fauna and Flora gather about 30 of their relatives for a “Mock-Up,” which is a one-on-one insult battle, in Pamplemousse’s memory. Aunt Inheritance is not present, and no one knows where she is. Fauna acts as a referee and tells the competitors that the insults should be in the spirit of fun. Flora trounces several competitors, but she forfeits when Daisy calls her over with a gesture. Phenomena asks Shenanigan to follow the women, but Shenanigan is still upset that her sister said she was bad at investigation. Felicity and Shenanigan are called up to compete, and their battle of words quickly turns personal. Phenomena leaps into the fray, and the three sisters berate and insult one another in front of the assembled relatives. Shenanigan’s sisters accuse her of being a deceitful troublemaker in keeping with her name, and Shenanigan accuses Felicity of hating the family. When Erf tries to intervene, Felicity snaps, “I know you’re everyone’s new best friend, but you’re not our sibling” (213). Fauna quiets the children, and Felicity and Phenomena leave.

Fauna sits Erf and Shenanigan down so that she can talk to them about Felicity. Fauna praises Felicity’s kindness, cleverness, and dream of becoming a fashion designer so that she can help people express their true selves. She explains that Felicity doesn’t hate her family but rather the unfair way that she’s treated because of her dictionary name. Fauna shares that she was assigned male at birth and encourages Erf to use their chosen name: “Your gran doesn’t get a say in who you are. No one in the world makes that decision but you” (217). Erf and Fauna share a smile filled with joy and understanding, and Shenanigan slips away quietly so that they can have their moment. Maelstrom leads Shenanigan to the hidden room, and Aunt Inheritance pulls them both inside.

A disheveled Aunt Inheritance gathers Felicity and Phenomena in the hidden room, which is filled with papers she’s gathered in her search for clues about the Hoard. She explains that they must find Vile’s treasure soon because the family’s finances are in dire straits and because someone at the reunion is willing to kill for the treasure. Uncle Maelstrom asked Shenanigan to map the house because he thought this would be the best way to determine the Hoard’s location. To her horror, Shenanigan discovers that the map is missing. Without the map, Maelstrom reluctantly agrees to follow Inheritance’s plan, which involves the use of a mysterious device called the Ecto Electric Kin Communicator, or EEK. The device was built by Charlatan Swift and is meant to let the user speak to the dead. Aunt Schadenfreude thought that the machine was nonsense and warned Inheritance that her plan was only “inviting mayhem and selfishness” (226). Phenomena doesn’t believe in ghosts, but she repairs the machine. Meanwhile, Maelstrom pulls Felicity and Shenanigan into a group hug and tells them, “You’re all on the same crew. Act like it” (230).

Using the machine, Aunt Inheritance and the others manage to contact a ghost. The EEK spits out pieces of paper with the words “BEWARE” and “DEATH” (232). When Uncle Maelstrom asks where the treasure is, the machine prints, “LOOK UNDER HOUSE” (234). The ghost grows increasingly agitated, and its messages become more garbled the longer the interview goes on. The ghost advises them to ask the cat who the murderer is, and Shenanigan breaks part of the machinery when she hits it impatiently. The five living Swifts hear a horrible wailing coming from another section of the house. They find a distraught Cook, who tells them that Aunt Schadenfreude has died.