The Way I Used to Be

Caelin, Eden’s older brother, leaves for college as Eden is beginning high school. There is an unspoken sibling rivalry between Eden and Caelin, although the two begin with an amicable relationship. Kevin, the young man who raped Eden, is one of Caelin’s best friends, and part of Eden’s trauma post-rape is the fact that her older brother did not protect her against this harm: “[Caelin] can see it. I knew he would see it right away. If anyone was going to notice—if I could count on anyone—it would be my big brother” (6). However, Eden’s brother does not intuit that Kevin harmed his sister, and Caelin does not understand Eden’s self-harming transformation. Initially, Caelin tries to protect his sister from slanderous accusations, but as he realizes that his sister has changed, their relationship becomes strained and distant. Caelin’s judgments further isolate Eden. When a girl in his dorm accuses Kevin of rape in Chapter 44, Caelin is devastated and refuses to believe it. He, representative of good-intentioned people who are uneducated about sexual assault, does not understand what “rape” is and believes Kevin is the victim. However, he accepts his sister’s account without question and viscerally reacts to the realization that he was unable to protect his little sister. In the end, Caelin is a figure of strength for Eden, and he supports her when she finally reveals the rape to her parents and the authorities.

Kevin Armstrong, a close family friend of Eden’s older brother, Caelin, rapes Eden when she is 14—the defining moment in Eden’s adolescent development. It is alluded that Kevin has also suffered sexual abuse as a child, by a member of his family, which helps explain his predilection toward sexual dysfunction and violence. As a family friend, Eden is forced to see him in her domestic space on a semi-regular basis. Kevin, emboldened by his social status and his ability to get away with predatory behavior, continues to grope and torment Eden during brief encounters in her home. Kevin proves to be a serial offender when his ex-girlfriend files charges against him for rape. Eden then reports Kevin as her rapist retroactively, nearly four years after the incident.

Kevin’s sister, Amanda, despises Eden for the majority of the book and starts Eden’s public shaming by penning that Eden is a “whore” on the bathroom wall at school. After Eden physically attacks Amanda for insinuating that Eden had sex with Kevin—and in light of Kevin’s pending rape charges—the girls reconcile.

Mara is Edy’s best friend since childhood. During their freshman year, she gets her braces off and consciously decides to reject the mistreatment of bullies at school. Part of this process entails that she reinvent her image—she dyes her hair bright, cranberry red and begins smoking cigarettes: “She had somehow managed to seamlessly and fully segue out of her dork role into this new cool, unconventional, artsy girl” (237). Mara’s self-empowered inspires Eden to also reinvent herself. Although Mara is a good friend, Eden does not confide in Mara about her assault, and it wedges a divide between them that grows as the novel progresses. Mara represents a traditional view of sexual relations, maintaining that sex should be with someone “special” (216). When Mara confronts Eden about the latter’s promiscuous behavior, the girls’ friendship temporarily dissolves.

Joshua Miller is Eden’s boyfriend during her sophomore year. Josh is a popular, attractive varsity basketball player, so Eden is surprised when he takes an interest in her: “He’s grinning. He’s cute, and he knows it too. The sun filters through his irises, pulling out all these kaleidoscopic caramel and mahogany colors that had been hiding behind chocolate. I have to force myself to stop looking” (82). Although the courtship is difficult, Josh finally gets through to Eden, and they begin to date. However, Eden refuses to be his official “girlfriend.” Josh opens up about his father’s drug problems, in a moment of true vulnerability in Chapter 19. Despite his attempts to forge to meaningful emotional relationship, Eden keeps him at bay, unable to let her guard down. Eden and Josh’s relationship ends when it is revealed that Eden lied about her age, which puts Josh in a precarious position: It is statutory rape if he has a relationship with anyone underage. After their relationship ends Eden’s sophomore year, Josh goes off to college and they do not speak to one another for years. Despite the long estrangement, Josh is the first person Eden confides in about her sexual assault. She tells him about the entire ordeal at a 24-hour IHOP in Chapter 47, and he is immediately devastated that someone he loves experienced such pain and trauma. Josh is representative of a stable and healthy male figure with whom Eden trusts, emotionally and romantically.

Stephen is an outcast, who has had a crush on Eden since they were “dorky” (228) freshmen. But, just as Eden has undergone a transformation, so has Stephen. By junior year, Stephen has lost weight, goes by the name “Steve,” and overall has grown into himself: “He’s changed so much, I almost wonder if he really is Stephen Reinheiser, aka Fat Kid” (228). When Eden enters an emotional tailspin during senior year, she tries to date Stephen in Chapter 42 at Mara’s urging. However, their romantic interaction ends abruptly and badly. Eden, now fully emerged in her “bad girl” image, rejects Steve, whom she views as normal and innocent. Steve represents a positive male figure, but one that Eden feels is incompatible with her due to her past trauma. Because she views herself as damaged, Eden sabotages their friendship when she rushes into a sexual encounter with him. Steve is also one of the first friends from the Lunch-Break Book Club to recognize that Eden is grappling with serious emotional issues. During their confrontation, Eden winces, and Steve acknowledges that Eden winced in fear. After her mistreatment of him, the friends group ex-communicates Eden, further adding to her spiraling isolation.