They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us

This is the shortest section in the collection, consisting of only one full-length essay. By setting this essay apart from the others, Abdurraqib conveys the influence Fall Out Boy and Tyler continue to have on his life. Additionally, giving the essay its own section creates an added level of reverence appropriate to an elegy for Abdurraqib’s good friend.

The epigraph for this section comes from Pete Wentz: “The story never really had a point. It’s just a lull—a skip in the record. We are addresses in ghost towns. We are old wishes that never came true. We are hand grenades. We are all gods, we are all monsters” (93). The quote looks back to the discussion of “ghosts” that closed Part 2 and foreshadows Tyler’s death, which occurs when he is young; he himself becomes one of those “old wishes that never came true” (93). The juxtaposition of Wentz’s claim, “We are all gods, we are all monsters” (93), is also significant. Gods are powerful, revered, and often benevolent, while monsters are scary, violent, and undesirable. Stressing that each person embodies this dichotomy harkens to the theme of Rewriting Narratives and Incorrect Perceptions, as one can always make a different, more positive choice.

The essay is structured around specific geographic locations, following Fall Out Boy as it performed across the country and throughout the years. Abdurraqib often appears in transit, highlighting that his life was also in flux during these years. When Tyler died, Abdurraqib was “driving through the darkness” on his way to Chicago (100). He did not know it at the time, but he would soon be driving through the darkness of grief and regret once he learned of his friend’s death.

The essay is also structured around a core juxtaposition: Abdurraqib’s friendship with Tyler versus the difficult and competitive relationship between Patrick Stump and Pete Wentz. The tensions impacting the latter pair are obvious in Abdurraqib’s telling: Pete relished the spotlight, while Patrick preferred to focus on his art privately. While Abdurraqib and Tyler were not like Stump and Wentz, their paths diverged greatly. Of attending Tyler’s funeral, Abdurraqib writes, “[T]he air feels different when someone finds their own way to the grave” (100). Following Tyler’s death, Abdurraqib began the process of showing his private grief publicly, much like Wentz did throughout his career.

Abdurraqib’s friendship with Tyler ultimately exemplifies the importance of community. Tyler picked Abdurraqib up out of the mosh pit when he fell down, creating a strong bond between the men. For years, Abdurraqib wore a patch he found in Tyler’s apartment that reads, “DESTROY WHAT DESTROYS YOU” (103). Eventually, the patch fell off, much as the pain and immediacy of grief become more manageable and less noticeable over time. Abdurraqib ends the essay by describing throwing this patch into the mosh pit at Fall Out Boy’s reunion show, saying, “No one decides when the people we love are actually gone. May we all be buried on our own terms” (109). This ending harkens back to the beginning of Abdurraqib and Tyler’s friendship. However, now, Abdurraqib is releasing Tyler, confident that he will always remember his friend and honor him in a way that feels authentic to Tyler’s memory.