57 pages • 1 hour read
They Can't Kill Us Until They Kill Us
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Symbols & Motifs
Fireworks
Fireworks operate as a motif highlighting themes of Public Versus Private Grief and Rewriting Narratives and Incorrect Perceptions. Particularly in the Marvin Gaye essay, Hanif Abdurraqib juxtaposes images of fireworks, often viewed as celebratory and patriotic in nature, with references to the institutional and systemic traumas that continue to impact America’s Black population. Abdurraqib describes himself as watching fireworks during or close to the time of George Zimmerman’s acquittal, Eric Garner’s murder, the desecration of black churches in the South, Renisha McBride’s murder, and continued discrimination against LGBTQIA+ people (114). In this context, these symbols of American “freedom” highlight the country’s failure to live up to its ideals. Moreover, the fact that fireworks don’t last forever suggests the often-fleeting nature of public outrage over such injustices; the media’s focus on these stories will also fade soon. Still, Abdurraqib does not entirely abandon fireworks as a symbol of aspiration, describing “the brief burst of brightness glow[ing] on the faces of Black children” (5). This image highlights how grief—including the grief of systemic injustice—ebbs and flows, never completely erasing happiness or hope for the future.
Part of what gives fireworks their poignancy for Abdurraqib is the fact that the boom of a firework can be mistaken for a gunshot, as he notes in “November 22, 2014.” This relates to the theme of incorrect perceptions: One can hear the fireworks boom and assume it is something violent and deadly, and that assumption can prove deadly in and of itself for Black Americans. In fact, this is how Marvin Gaye died: His brother didn’t rush to his aid because “he thought the sound of the shots from his father’s gun were fireworks” (275). This confusion of the innocuous and the deadly plays out repeatedly—a cashier believes Abdurraqib is reaching for a gun rather than his wallet, a teacher scolds him for using a water gun that someone might mistake for a real one, etc.—and in each case, Abdurraqib implies, the result could be death. This lends additional symbolic weight to Abdurraqib’s assertion that many Black children learn to distinguish the sound of gunshots from fireworks at a young age. This is a practical reality for people who grow up in impoverished communities that tend to have high rates of crime, but it also speaks to the way in which all Black Americans learn to police their own behavior, maintaining constant awareness of any gesture that could be mistaken for aggression.a
White Sneakers and Stained Pants
In “Burning That Which Will Not Save You” Abdurraqib details buying his first pair of white sneakers, a symbol related to the theme of Performativity and Fitting In. They are an expensive pair of sneakers, and (as Abdurraqib himself recognizes at the time) his seeming unconcern about dirtying them acts as a status symbol. However, the first time Abdurraqib wears the shoes outside the house, he accidentally dirties them, “brush[ing] [his] foot against [his] tire, scuffing a long permanent black mark along the side of the shoe” (215). By visibly marring the pristine shoes, the experience and hope Abdurraqib associated with the shoes dissipate. Abdurraqib had fastidiously checked the weather to make sure nothing could ruin his new sneakers, making it tragic and ironic that his own actions scuff them.
When describing the first time he is stopped by the police, Abdurraqib explains how his pants are ruined after the police force him to the ground: “I thought about my pants, now stained by the grass, and how much they cost me” (218). In this moment, the stained pants make Abdurraqib’s moment of terror public and reveal the limits of his ability to fit in at his mostly-white college. Everyone around Abdurraqib will know something happened to him when he wears these pants. The pants also evoke the quasi-public nature of the incident itself, which ultimately reinforces Abdurraqib’s isolation as a Black man; during and after the stop, Abdurraqib was left alone to cry on the side of the road, without anyone from the predominantly white neighborhood coming to share his grief.
Rain and Tears
Rain and tears symbolize cleansing or catharsis. In “The Night Prince Walked on Water,” rain serves as an almost holy sign of Prince’s ability to help the Black community be seen and heard. The title includes a biblical allusion to Jesus walking on water, elevating Prince to divine status. This essay can be read as an elegy with the repetition of the rain imagery evoking tears and creating a sorrowful tone. However, much of the language, especially the repetition of the phrase “Dearly Beloved” in the essay’s conclusion, makes this a celebratory elegy that hinges on a release of emotion.
Abdurraqib also depicts rain as cleansing the past, as in this description of a smell he experienced on a road trip through the Southern United States: “In South Carolina, after a hard rain, I walked through an old plantation. And it was the smell descending from the trees after they made room for the storm. A humble attempt at forgiveness” (195). The essay focuses on America’s history of lynching; therefore, the fact that the trees make “room for the storm” implies that they are repenting for their part in the death of so many Black men. While rain cannot undo trauma, it reminds people to start anew and try again.
Though rain often symbolizes tears (and any emotions associated with them), literal tears also figure in the collection. Abdurraqib writes several times about crying publicly, taking his private grief and sharing it with people who are more or less open to recognizing it (often for reasons related to race and racism). While Abdurraqib is listening to Future, a woman asks him to turn his music down, “never saying anything about the fact that [he] was crying in the middle of her store” (264). The woman leaves Abdurraqib’s grief unacknowledged, rendering his pain invisible and unimportant. Such episodes highlight the fact that many people “perform” kindness while allowing heartbreak, trauma, and misinformation to continue.
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By Hanif Abdurraqib
