38 pages • 1 hour read
We All Want Impossible Things
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Themes
The Tension of Life and Death
Content Warning: This section of the guide discusses terminal illness, death, and grieving, which feature in the source text.
In a novel exploring the relationship of two friends as one of them is dying, the theme of life and death is a natural point of reference. As Edi is trying to figure out how to handle dying, Ash is trying her best to figure out how to live. The catalyst for both characters’ journeys is Edi’s illness.
It is suggested that Ash’s erratic, self-sabotaging behavior is a response to Edi’s diagnosis and the stress of trying to deal with losing her best friend. Thinking back on the infidelity that led to the dissolution of her marriage, Ash wonders if she was unfaithful to Honey because of what was going on with her friend: “Edi had just been diagnosed. Not that that’s any excuse, honestly—Edi getting sick. I don’t even know if that’s part of the reason or not” (63). Ash may be unsure, but Edi isn’t. She sees Ash’s behavior as destructive, and is frustrated with her for failing to embrace the fact that she, unlike Edi, has a chance for a happy life.
From Edi’s perspective, Ash is being ungrateful for an opportunity that is being denied to her because of her illness. This tension between life and death spills over into Ash and Edi’s conversations about mortality and whether there is an afterlife. When Edi asks Ash what she thinks happens after death, Ash rambles about how people stay alive in the hearts of those left behind. Edi responds: “I feel like you just described more about your experience after I die than mine. Will I be somewhere?” (89).
Ultimately the question is left unanswered. In the final chapters of the book, Ash continues to reflect on the cruel fact of death and struggles to cope with losing her best friend, as well as the memories that died alongside her. What gets Ash through her grief is the love and friendship of others, demonstrating that the only response to death is to continue trying to live a good and full life while keeping lost loved ones alive in memory.
Friendship and Love as the Most Necessary Act
While Ash and Edi’s relationship is sometimes strained by Edi’s illness, their love for each other never comes into question. From the time they were small children up to the present day, Ash and Edi have been an integral part of each other’s lives, and they know each other intimately. Their love sustains them even as they grow up, move to different places, face different challenges, and live very different lives. When Edi is diagnosed with a terminal illness, she leaves her family and home behind in Brooklyn to enter a hospice center near Ash.
Ash shares so much history with Edi that she likens Edi’s memory to “the backup hard drive for mine” (84), a comparison that underscores their connectedness and interdependency. When Edi falls ill, Ash panics in part because Edi’s memories contain a piece of her, and when Edi dies, that part of Ash will die too:
I have that same crashing, crushing feeling you have when the beach ball on your computer starts spinning. I have the feeling you’d have if there were a vault with all your jewels in it, everything precious, only the person with the combination to the lock was hanging on to a penthouse ledge by a fingertip (84).
Edi is arguably the most important person in Ash’s life, and the prospect of losing her feels a bit like losing herself.
Ash sometimes has difficulty showing up for the people she loves, but when Edi moves into Shapely, it provides her with an opportunity to demonstrate the depth of her love for her friend in the most radical way possible: caring for her in her final days. Though this situation never tests Ash’s love for Edi, it does eventually test her love for herself, and her confidence that she’s up to the task. Thinking about her impending loss, she muses: “Everyone dies, and yet it’s unendurable. There is so much love inside of us. How do we become worthy of it? And, then, where does it go?” (150). Ash is plagued by feelings of unworthiness while caring for Edi, worrying that she is failing and obsessed with doing everything correctly—being constantly available and present, offering the right kinds of gifts and food and services, saying and doing the right things.
This desire to have control over the situation leads her to speak to the hospice chaplain, asking practical questions to prepare for Edi’s death: “Sorry. But—will the doctor be with us when she dies? […] I think I’m just worried that I, like, don’t have this particular skill set” (168-69). In response, the chaplain gives a succinct yet profound answer: “The only skill you need now is love […] and you definitely have it” (169). These words are revelatory for Ash and mark a turning point in the novel. One thing Ash has never doubted is her love for Edi, and armed with the knowledge that this love is enough, she is able to navigate her best friend’s final days—and the grief that comes after—with newfound strength and self-compassion.
Making Peace with Mortality
Closely related to the themes of life, death, and friendship is the struggle to make peace with mortality. When Edi enters hospice, she and Ash regularly speak about how the unfairness of Edi’s situation, and even rage against the fact that death is stealing her away too soon, with Edi saying, “That’s all I want, Ash. Just to love and be loved […] My imperfect marriage. My family. My life—to keep it. I’m sorry” (124). Because the story is told from Ash’s perspective, it is never entirely clear how Edi approaches death, but there are certain clues that she does not die with a heavy heart: She manages to dictate a letter to her son with Ash’s help, she smiles when her husband, Jude, arrives and crawls into the hospital bed with her, and her last word is the name of her son, whom she loves more than anyone else in the world. All these clues suggest that she has made her peace with death, while still viewing it as deeply unfair and tragic.
Ash too ends up making peace with death, though, ironically, it takes losing Edi for her to reach a place of acceptance. After Edi’s funeral, she has a revelation that there are actually two kinds of grief:
It’s occurring to me only now that the dying and the loss are actually two different burdens, and each must be borne individually, one after the other. It’s like after a grueling delivery, when they hand it to you and you’re like, Oh! The baby! because your focus had become so narrow and personal during the birth. But now here was the actual end point, which you’d always known but then forgotten in all of the incarnated drama and suffering (188).
With this realization that the work of mourning is never done, Ash learns to embrace the imperfect beauty of existence. She begins to pick up the pieces of her shattered life and put them back together, reconciling with her husband and even pursuing a nursing degree so she can work at Shapely one day. In the days that follow Edi’s funeral, Ash shows no hint of continuing anger or unresolved feelings, only the acceptance that comes with facing reality. However, Ash’s true peace comes at the very end of the novel in the form of a dream. In this dream she is visited by Edi, who comforts her and tells her she’s perfect as she is.
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