Without Merit

“But I do feel invisible in this house most of the time and I’m curious how long it will take before someone notices I haven’t spoken out loud.”

Merit feels disconnected from her family members. Additionally, she feels undervalued and insignificant. After a few days of Merit not speaking, Sagan notices her silence while Merit’s family members do not. This validates her attraction to Sagan and reinforces her alienation from her family.

“When I first saw Sagan at the antiques store, I had a quiet fear that he was out of my league. But when I found out he was dating Honor, it never even crossed my mind that she was out of his league. I hate that I might have thought she deserved him more than I did.”

Merit regularly compares herself to Honor, often viewing herself critically and feeling envious of her twin. She doesn’t like feeling jealous of her Honor, but Merit continues to allow her self-worth to be defined partly by how she feels she measures up to her sister. Thinking that Honor is dating Sagan, Merit’s self-deprecatory opinions unravel her already low self-esteem.

“I pull my phone out of my pocket to text my father. I rarely ask him for anything, but this is an emergency. Can you stop by the thrift store on your way here and see if they have any trophies? I wait a few minutes to see if he responds, but he doesn’t. Sadly, I’m not surprised.”

Trophies symbolize Merit’s desire to feel validated and loved. Merit craves positive relationships with friends and family, and she desperately wants Sagan to appear as interested in her as he was when they first met. The fact that Merit is asking her father to get a trophy for her instead of purchasing one for herself further demonstrates how Merit wants to feel valued and cherished.

“I used to hang out with her for longer periods of time, but it’s gotten hard to do that lately. I’m starting to resent her. I used to feel sorry for her and assumed her social phobia wasn’t something she could control. But the older I get and the more of my life she misses by choosing to stay in the basement, the angrier at her I am.”

Merit navigates her complicated relationship with her mother while working with insufficient information about her mother’s health condition. The family’s struggle to communicate about Vicky’s mental health diagnoses impairs Merit’s understanding of and concern for her mother, limiting their relationship. Additionally, Merit’s challenges with her own symptoms of depression restrict her ability to empathize with her mother’s condition.

“‘Does your new boyfriend know how reasonable you’ve been when it comes to your past relationships?’ Honor’s jaw clenches. I’ve hit a nerve. Good. Maybe she’ll back off.”

Although Merit may be genuinely concerned about Honor’s relationships with teenagers experiencing critical illnesses, she only discusses Honor’s boyfriends as a defense mechanism. This is a pattern for Merit: Merit deflects any potential criticism directed at her by bringing up the flaws she sees in her family members. In doing so, Merit never confronts her issues nor considers forgiving her family members for their mistakes.

“Being as though most of our friends aren’t allowed over at our house due to the rumors (founded or not) about our family, the friendships Honor and I form with other people are almost always casual.”

The small-town setting of Sulphur Springs plays an essential role in Without Merit. Because of the gossip and rumors surrounding the Voss family, Merit feels completely isolated. She distances herself from her peers to protect her family’s secrets, which isolates her socially. Because Merit’s relationships with her family members at home are troubled, she feels she doesn’t have anyone who cares about her.

“Oh, I see. You don’t want to discuss why you’re a pathetic husband. You just want me to promise I won’t tell anyone.”

Merit addresses Barnaby in this passage; Barnaby is the least communicative member of the Voss family and avoids confrontation and communication at all costs. Instead of telling Merit the truth, Barnaby allows her to think he is a poor husband and father.

“‘I don’t know, Sagan. There’s a lot of baggage in our family. I think sometimes you luck out and get a family you connect with. But sometimes…’ I try to fight back an embarrassing and unexpected tear. ‘Sometimes you get stuck with family members that do nothing but make mistakes they never have to apologize or pay for.’”

Merit feels her family members should face the consequences of their mistakes. She feels hurt by their actions and believes punishment is warranted. Sagan eventually helps Merit to consider forgiveness although Merit has an easier time forgiving her family when they honestly share their perspectives with Merit.

“I just stood there, staring at Honor. Everyone liked her, despite the fact that she was a Voss. Everyone wanted to hang out with her and be her friend and I was simply a by-product. The identical twin sister with less to offer. There wasn’t a single girl at that table who would rather be friends with me than Honor.”

Recognizing that Honor looks and sounds the same as Merit and comes from the same notorious family, Merit feels that Honor’s popularity proves that Merit is inadequate. Instead of confronting these feelings, Merit decides to stop attending school. Merit only gains self-esteem when she stops comparing herself with Honor and acknowledges her unique qualities.

“‘Without Merit,’ I whisper to no one. ‘That’ll show ‘em.’ And then I do what I do best. I react without thinking. My spontaneity will be the only thing I miss about myself.”

Merit believes her decision to end her life is impulsive, primarily made to hurt her family members. In truth, Merit’s behavior is calculated to avoid her feelings of isolation, rejection, and depression that she has been carrying for years. Similar to how her family avoids difficult conversations, Merit desperately ignores her negative thoughts and emotions.

“I’d give anything for her to walk over here and hug me. Anything. She knows something bad has happened or she wouldn’t have opened the basement door.”

While Merit is outwardly brash and insulting to her family members, internally, she desperately craves affection from them. This is especially true of Vicky, whom Merit considers a neglectful mother. This moment shows the literal and figurative distance between Merit and her mother, as Vicky cannot overcome her fears to go hug Merit, and Merit cannot overcome her anger and go to Vicky.

“Utah’s shoulders rise with his heavy intake of breath. Then they fall, like all great empires eventually do. He looks across the room at me. He stares at me, but doesn’t use the opportunity to admit his guilt. Or even apologize. Instead, Utah walks to the door after it’s clear my dad isn’t going to relent.”

Merit classifies Utah’s sexual molestation as the darkest secret she has kept. He uses the family’s avoidant communication model to exempt himself from apologizing to Merit. Her allusion to Utah’s shoulders as a fallen empire foreshadows his eventual confession.

“I wonder what that must be like—to live in a normal family. A family where people actually give a shit. Not a family like ours, where everyone goes on with their day like I didn’t just try to kill myself a few hours ago.”

Merit’s comparison of her family to one she envisions as normal adds to the novel’s theme of The Illusion of Normality. In this passage, Merit assumes her family members are avoiding Merit after her attempted suicide when Barnaby is about to check on her.

“So many people dream of living in a house with a white picket fence. Little do they know, there’s no such thing as a perfect family, no matter how white the picket fence is.”

Without Merit repeatedly references the white picket fence, a symbol of the traditional middle-class American family. Barnaby constructs the fence as part of the church’s conversion into a house. Merit feels the fence looks out of place, just like she feels her family lacks normalcy. In the end, Merit and Sagan paint the fence purple to dismantle the concept of normalcy.

“Tuqburni is used to describe the all-encompassing feeling of not being able to live without someone. Which is why the literal translation is, ‘You bury me.’”

Although Merit’s complicated family relationships overshadow Merit and Sagan’s romantic relationship, the intensity of their attraction to each other is evident when the couple meets. That Sagan is willing to share his backstory and culture with Merit demonstrates how their connection goes beyond physical attraction to each other, as he describes with the Syrian word tuqburni.

“That kiss took away everything I’ve been feeling and replaced it with a momentary sense of euphoria. I’d give anything to have that feeling back. Which is exactly what Sagan was trying to tell me. My feelings for him will cloud all the other stuff that’s going on in my head.”

Sagan recognizes that entering a relationship with Merit would enable her to continue avoiding her mental health challenges. Sagan delays starting a relationship with Merit while acknowledging his desire to be with her. In doing so, he gives her time and space to discover the healthiest version of herself.

“‘Why did you do it? Did you hate your life that much?’ Luck shrugs. ‘Not really. I was mostly indifferent.’”

Luck uses his experience with depression and attempted suicide to guide Merit as she comes to terms with her mental health challenges. Luck challenges Merit’s preconceived ideas about depression by differentiating the feeling of hatred from the feeling of indifference.

“‘You think just because I’m an adult I have it all figured out? You think I’m not allowed to make mistakes?’ He’s not yelling, but he certainly isn’t talking with an inside voice. He begins to pace back and forth. ‘No matter how hard you try, things don’t always turn out the way you wish they could.’”

Barnaby finally communicates honestly with his children at the climax of the novel. He admits his wrongdoing while acknowledging that adults are entitled to make mistakes, and he’s always tried to be the best father to his children. This is the first time Barnaby shows vulnerability in the novel, admitting that he is not as infallible as he likes to appear.

“‘All I’ve ever wanted was for you kids to have the opportunity to love a mother like you deserved. To think the world of her. That’s all Victoria’s ever wanted for you.’ He starts walking backward. ‘I just had no idea how much you would all hate me in the process.’”

The layers of truth Barnaby reveals to his children change their perspective and enable them to sympathize with Barnaby, Victoria, and Vicky. Barnaby admits his lies about Vicky’s mental health condition while acknowledging his deception was intended to protect Vicky and his children. After hearing Barnaby’s perspective, Utah, Honor, and Merit can finally forgive Barnaby for his actions.

“I open my mouth to protest, but then I close it because she might be right. I have very strong opinions about my sister. Is that judging? I get so angry when people judge me, but maybe I’m no better.”

Merit’s character goes through a significant change, becoming much more reflective in the novel’s falling action. While Merit rightfully blames her parents and siblings for the family’s dysfunction, she only challenges how she views her family members after facing conflict with her parents and siblings. Merit understands feeling misunderstood and rejected, and she feels remorse upon realizing that she has caused Honor to feel the same way.

“For the first time in my life, I feel like I’m looking at a complete stranger. Like maybe all the opinions I’ve held about her all these years have actually been severe misjudgments.”

Only when Merit challenges her perspective of Honor’s relationships with boyfriends experiencing critical illness can Merit develop empathy for her sister and respect for her decisions. Merit’s character demonstrates a significant change at this moment. She realizes that her identical twin sister’s experiences differ vastly from hers, and making assumptions about Honor’s life choices is inappropriate.

“Maybe that’s the root of a lot of family issues. It isn’t actually the issues people are hung up about for so long. It’s that no one has the courage to take the first step in talking about the issues.”

Merit points out that confrontation takes courage while avoidance and inaction are easier. Merit often blames her parents and siblings for avoiding conversation, lying, and keeping secrets; however, Merit realizes that she is equally complicit in avoiding difficult conversations. Merit’s clarity demonstrates emotional maturity and the completion of her coming-of-age journey.

“‘Why don’t you believe in God?’ He glances over at Jesus and contemplates my question for a moment. And then he says, ‘I’m just a pragmatic person. […] That doesn’t mean you can’t believe in Him, though. We aren’t put on this earth to be carbon copies of our parents. Peace doesn’t come to everyone in the same form.’”

Colleen Hoover’s diverse cast of believers and non-believers establishes the novel as one that draws parallels from Christianity without pushing the religion as fundamental. Barnaby’s attitude about his children developing their own religious or non-religious beliefs sums up the attitude toward spiritual freedom within the text.